我总以为，做的好一些，或许就能迎来一份认可 可后来才惊觉，原来曾经的批评与辱骂，并非源于我的所谓错误 错的不是被扔在门外的孩子，而是关上大门的父母 可是 如果做的不够好也可以被爱 那爱呢 上帝在撒谎 对吧 我相信世界上真的有无条件的爱 可世界真的不会辜负我的相信吗

我走着 冷雨中

and till now, i still do not get the meaning of life. people share their fancy experiences and routines online, while i lay on the rent house, scrolling the phone, only left with tides of loneliness and depression. i see sun rise and drop everyday, with a repeated boring schedule. peers are having fun, classmates are dating with their mates, adults are losing their jobs due to artificial intelligence. i don’t know what will the future be like. i held dozens of dreams surrounding the collage life mere a year before, yet the reality kicks me over burdens and tortures. i wanna to do sth. great, sth. that can change the world or at least help sb., yet i find that i may be the somebody who needs assistance. parents and teachers are talking about GPA, scores, ranks, money, jobs, etc,. i just cannot understand why can they take a glance at me and say, oops the child is sick. alright, i guess i know the reason the keep buzzing about those things, but i don’t wanna care about these troubles, can u get me? it has been so hard, tricky, disastrous to be a man, you’ve got billions of things to fix up. for example I’m tired of being annoyed by those red lines given by the spellcheck, why cannot i use allright?! i just wanna say all things you say is right, and can you finally let me go, can you just give me a sec rather than tan or cot to breath. Oh, come on, why you highlight the word spellcheck, there isn’t any mistake. i think i am burnout, though i did not do anything tonight, just watch short videos and it has stolen my entire energy.

i’m low, good night. wish tomorrow better in this worse world.